13 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

“That would never happen to me,” said probably around 95% of people who ended up in an abusive or toxic relationship. After all, no one sets out to find a sociopathic partner and no one dreams of finding themselves in a relationship that makes them miserable. But it happens. And the scary thing is, it usually happens so slowly and subtly that you don’t even realise it.

These 13 signs you’re in a toxic relationship are just some of the clues that things aren’t quite right. If you can draw any similarities between these points and your own relationship, then it’s time to step back, get some space and put and end to things.

1. The relationship becomes very intense very quickly

Sometimes we fall for someone so hard and so fast that we leave a human-shaped crater when we hit the ground. And that’s not necessarily always a bad thing. But if your partner displays very intense behaviour early on in your relationship like dropping the ‘L Bomb’ or telling you they can’t live without you after just a couple of weeks, then this could be an early sign of controlling behaviour.

2. They pick at your insecurities

Flirtatious banter in a relationship is one thing, but name-calling and derogatory comments are quite another. The difference is that one is playful and makes you both laugh while the other hurts your feelings and makes you feel insecure and vulnerable. If your partner is making hurtful jokes at your expense, tell them how it makes you feel. If they continue to do it, take it as a major red flag and walk away.

3. You’re constantly made to feel guilty

You shouldn’t have to apologise for spending time with your friends, wearing certain clothes, listening to different types of music or doing any of the things that make you you. And your partner certainly shouldn’t try to make you feel guilty for doing any of those things either.

4. Nothing you do is ever good enough

If everything you do is a cause for complaint or criticism then something isn’t right, especially because most victims of emotionally abusive relationships pour all their time and energy into trying to make things perfect for their partners. If you’re met with constant disapproval then it’s time to move on. You can’t be expected to spend all your time and energy on someone who doesn’t appreciate it.

5. You notice yourself starting to change (and not for the better)

Most of us change in some way, shape or form when we’re in a relationship. When I started dating Cody, I began using the word ‘garbage’ instead of ‘rubbish.’ I know – groundbreaking stuff! But if you start to notice yourself changing for the worse as a result of your relationship then that’s a pretty clear sign that you need to step away from it. For example, if you’re suddenly down in the dumps, feeling constantly anxious or find yourself snapping at loved ones out of the blue, it’s likely that the relationship is having a negative impact on you and it’s time to end things.

6. They isolate you from other people

Controlling partners will undoubtedly try to isolate you from your loved ones because they’re the ones who are most likely to step up and say, “Hello, this guy is insane. Dump him!” If your partner tries to wedge him or herself between you and your closest friends, alarm bells should start to sound in your head. This is not normal behaviour!

7. They make you doubt yourself

Be aware of the following phrases:

• “That’s not what happened.”
• “You’re blowing this completely out of proportion.”
• “You misunderstood what I said and now you’re overreacting.”
• “I never said that.”

If you know something went down a certain way and your partner tries to convince you that you don’t know what you’re talking about, they may be trying to manipulate you. Don’t let anyone make you question what you know to be try.

8. Everyone else is ‘crazy’

If your partner refers to all of their exes as ‘crazy liars’ then take it as a big, fat warning that something isn’t quite right. After all, what are the odds that one person attracts every crazy liar within a 20 mile radius? Realistically, it’s unlikely that your partner is the only one telling the truth and that everyone else they come into contact with is the problem.

9. You feel like you need to keep secrets

If you’re scared to tell your partner where you’ve been or who you’ve been spending time with for fear that they’ll be angry with you, step back and question whether there’s actually anything wrong with what you’ve been doing. Should you really have to lie so you can go get coffee with your closest friends? Is it reasonable that you should hide your phone calls with your mum? The answer, my friend, is a big, fat no.

10. ‘No’ is not an option

We’re all entitled to say “No” every now and then. Turning down invitations or cancelling plans once in a while is part of taking time out for yourself. But when you start to feel that you don’t have the option to say “No,” it’s a big sign that your partner is displaying controlling behaviour.

11. They push you a little further every day

Maybe it’s a flirtatious conversation with someone else in your eye-line, a more hurtful comment than usual or an increase in aggressive behaviour, but manipulative people will constantly test your boundaries to see how much they can get away with. Remember, abusive relationships never start with a bang. They start out seeming wonderful and deteriorate little by little every day.

12. They pull away from you for no reason

You might notice that your partner pulls away from you or withholds their love and affection from you for seemingly no reason. Often it will leave you wondering what you’ve done wrong, but the reality is, you’re not to blame. This is simply a control tactic.

13. You feel like it’s you against the world

Think about the people you love in your life. Your mum, your best friend, your dog etc. If they were upset or if they’d had a bad day, you’d want to be there for them to raise them up and make them feel better. Because you love them! If your partner is nowhere to be found when you’re having a rough day, it’s time to question how much they truly care about you.

Nobody deserves to be in a relationship that makes them feel anything less than loved, secure and absolutely wonderful. Sure, no relationship is perfect and we can’t all be gleefully happy every second of the day. But your relationship should make you happy and, if it doesn’t, simply walk away. You are worth so much more.