Abuse isn’t always easy to spot, especially when it’s not physical. Many of the tactics used by abusers are designed to be subtle and have you questioning whether they actually did anything wrong.
Let’s shed some light on emotional abuse. It’s been taboo for far too long…
I’ve experienced emotional abuse firsthand and I know what a devastating impact it can have even after you’ve walked away from your abuser. From a battered sense of self-esteem, to dysfunctional relationships moving forward, not knowing who you are anymore, and ongoing mental health issues, it can take years for the scars to heal.
The goals of the Just As I Am campaign:
- To raise awareness of emotional abuse and share the signs to look out for
- To give people the space and autonomy to share their stories
- To spread the message that you are enough, just as you are and that you deserve a life filled with happiness
My partner used to lock me and our baby in the house and take the car keys to work with him every time we argued. I learnt to give a spare key to my best friend. She would come and let us out and take us to work and creche.
He used to blame me when we had no money left to spend, even though I paid all the bills for the house/car/kids, and his money was his own to spend at leisure.
He made me think I was crazy and losing my mind almost every single day.... He promised he'd stopped smoking, but I could always smell it on him. After months of telling him he smelt of smoke and being told I was crazy and imagining it, I caught him smoking. I was with a friend on a walk and he was walking past our office, fag in hand. When he saw me he threw it to the floor. He told me I didn't see him with a fag, even though my friend had also seen it. He told me I was making things up in my head to cause conflict, and trying to find reasons to break up with him. I believed him.
The final nail in the coffin for me, was when my grandmother passed away. The day of her burial I asked him to look after our son, who was 3 at this point... unfortunately the day she was being buried also fell on my partner's birthday. He told me I was selfish making plans on his birthday and he wouldn't look after our son for me to go to my grandmother's burial. My grandmother was my best friend, and he couldn't put me burying her over his birthday, but I was the selfish one.
After that, I ended things and even after that he would try to control me by using access to our son as a means to keep me in, and so that he always knew where I was and who I was with.
I left him 4 years ago now, and I've recently started asking for help to deal with the way I was treated. For a long time, in my next relationship I would be triggered by so many normal every day things, and always on the defensive with my new partner. It took me a while to realise my worth, and still have bad days now where I feel like I deserved to be treated that way... But time is showing me thay I am enough, I didn't deserve it, and I should never have put up with 5 years of feeling like I was worthless.
It was a short relationship with an older guy. He love bombed me but after a few months called me fat, knowing it was my biggest insecurity. After months of little red flags that’s what finally made me walk away, but if I hadn’t had plans of moving I might have stayed because his manipulation was so strong.
Rebuilding my confidence has taken a really long time, as he made me feel like any new guy might only be pretending to like what I looked like and later tell me my biggest insecurities were ugly. I know it’s not as bad as other situations, but for me it crushed my confidence and love for my body that I’m still working on rebuilding.
This happened to me when I was in my teenage years 14-15. This person was extremely charming and charismatic and everyone seemed to love them. I was quite vulnerable during this time and this person seemed to pick up on that and then we shortly entered a very turbulent relationship. It started with the love bombing and telling me how he had never met anyone like me before. Saying I love you after 2 weeks and taking up all the hours of my day. I was completely blind to this and actually thought what was happening was “true love.” During these years of my life I wore my heart on my sleeve and believed people when they told me certain things.
Slowly but surely after a month or so and I was reeled in, the name-calling started with “you're on the bigger side from when we first met” “ your thighs are big I don’t think you should wear shorts” (We were together during the summer time) and “I don’t like you wearing the colour yellow”. When I questioned this I was met with the cold shoulder and how could I ever question his intentions and he was only trying to help me out so other people (my friends) wouldn’t talk about me behind my back as according to him they often did.
Slowly things started to get worse and the stone walling started and he would literally blank my phone calls and texts for days on end. When I started to try to move on he would appear again and apologised and say it would never happen again. I believed him and gave him another chance, this led to the same cycle happening over and over again which then led to me completely losing myself as a person. I didn’t know who I was anymore and everytime I tried to end things I would be met with a constant guilt trip or even worse more abuse.
When I finally walked away he had already moved on very quickly. I decided to focus on myself and try and rebuild and contemplate what had happened over the last year or so. I was a shadow of my former self, all of my self confidence had been drained from me and I still struggle with self image to this day.
I eventually got into another relationship (with my now husband) however my abuser didn’t like this and then decided to make an appearance in my life once more by joining the same rugby team as my boyfriend, flirting and trying to enter relationships with my friends to try to get to me, trying to gain every ounce of my attention by appearing in every aspect of my life that I had tried so very hard to remove him from. This was one of the most stressful times in my life and I would be here forever writing if I wrote down everything this person did to me.
If I could help just one person by sharing my experience it would make me extremely happy. I have been through therapy to try and help undo the years of damage this person has caused me and I am happy to say I see myself and what I have been through in a very different way. None of this was actually my fault and was put in my head by someone who I trusted and was supposed to have “loved” me. I really hope this helps somebody to recognise the signs and leave that abusive relationship.
It all started amazingly. I really felt like I had met the man I should be with. He was everything I had dreamed of and played the part beautifully - in the beginning. He lavished me with affection, his time, compliments. I don't think I've ever felt so special. Looking back now, this is what is termed the Love Bombing phase. But this went on for many months.
Cracks started to show after month 3 but I completely ignored them due to everything above. He was a big character and would dismiss and laugh off his bad behaviour. It started small, little put downs, highlighting my flaws, ogling other women and pitching me against them.
Now came the frog in boiling water part. These chips at my self esteem got bigger and bigger but I was blind to them. My body knew better though and was screaming for me to get out. I never felt safe, I was always on edge and trying to please. I failed constantly.
Eventually I couldn't take anymore and ended things. The cycle started again with all the grand gestures and I believed he could and would change. Nope. It took a lot of my self confidence and 4 times to eventually leave.
I'm now 8 months 'free' and my mental health is in tatters. I'm on medication and having therapy to come to terms with what happened and how to move on with my life because as mad as it sounds, the temptation to go back is huge. The brain seeks the familiar, even if that is hell.
I'm hopeful of the future and wouldn't wish this on anyone else. I really hope Aimee's campaign makes a difference. I try to remember that I Am Enough xxx
My ex separated me from my family, very subtly and slowly. He would spoil any successes I had, I realised later that he would argue with me the night before I was due to compete in a sporting competition and that I had never not competed upset. He was physically and emotionally abusive, anytime I asked him why he was doing something /not doing something he would threaten to leave me. And make it feel like I was the one causing it.
He got me into debt to support him and would threaten to leave me with the debt.. which he did when I finally found out he had stolen nearly 7 grand from my bank.
After I threw him out he would go to control me by paying back some money at £10 a month when I knew he had a 5 figure job.
I was working away from home away from friends and family. This guy was friendly and started helping me with things I found difficult in work. We got to know each other or so I thought and he gradually started saying I needed him or I wouldn't progress or wouldn't be able to do things without him. He knew i was isolated and I started to believe I needed him for everything more and more. Part of me was being slowly eroded and I didn't notice.
Once I was totally alone the violence started. The odd push, verbal abuse, saying how stupid I was etc. It got to a point he held a knife against my throat as I said I was leaving.
The reason I failed exams was to get made redundant and move home. He threatened my family and it was only then that I had the strength to fight back and say I am enough. I felt ashamed for letting it happen for a long time but it was such a slow manipulation and controlling manner before you knew it you were stuck or that's how it felt.
I have been free of guilt for about 3 years but free of violence for 8.. never give up on yourself.
My first relationship was mentally and verbally abusive one. Even after it ended I still didn't recognize how bad it was and as a result I ended up in another abusive relationship. In both cases they made me feel worthless, confirming all my insecurities, creating new ones, and leaving me with so much rage that I am still dealing with it years later. They both talked to my friends (and random people) in secret, telling them what a horrible person I am "behind the scenes" in order to isolate me. Although my friends didn't turn away from me, they admit that it planted a seed of doubt in their minds about me.
I am very grateful to be given an opportunity to share my experience through Aimee's platform, and I would like to share this message with people in hopes that it will help someone understand these situations better:
1) If you can not imagine yourself being abused in any way by your partner, realise that you are lucky to have been raised in a way that you have enough self-esteem and self-worth. This does not mean the rest of us came from unloving families, but it does mean that for whatever reason we haven't developed enough self-worth at a young age and our parents did not recognize it or did nothing to help us. When someone we liked gave us attention, we wanted to do everything and anything to thank them for it and to make sure to "be worthy" of it. It is astonishing how much abuse can a person take simply because they believe they are not worthy of anything better. Abusers are the only ones to blame here.
2) Emotional and verbal abuse ruins your life. People tend to downplay the effects of this type of abuse. What they forget is that it is coming from someone they love. The effects of that are catastrophic and in many cases lead to suicide. Be kind to people. Remember, we believe we are not worthy of anything better in that moment. All we wants is comfort, and abuse has become that comfort for us, even though we are hurting every day. Don't give up on us, continue to tell us that this is not right we are worthy of more. Using these words are like using a chisel on concrete. One day it will finally break. And please, for the love of all that is holy, do not roll your eyes on us when we share yet another story of the abuse we have experienced.
3) Often times when people witness their friend being verbally or emotionally abused, they do nothing or they target the victim. They try to "talk some sense" into the victim, but they do nothing to stop the abuser. Abusers are also narcissists and they do everything in their power to be liked by the ones they can't control, to plant a seed of doubt in other people's minds about the abuse they are witnessing with their own two eyes, to make them think it's somehow justified, or that "there is more to the story" and they should not believe their eyes and ears. Abuse is abuse. When people see someone being beaten up, they interfere. When they witness mental or verbal abuse, they do nothing. Isolate the abuser! Let them know you have the victim's back, that despite their best efforts, the victim is loved by many. Be sure that the abuser will tell the victim how horrible of a person you are and that they are blind and of course stupid for not seeing through you. You might lose your friend for a little while, but it is worth it. They will eventually realise who was right and who was wrong.
Years later I am in a long-term loving and healthy relationship with someone who went through very similar things. We recognize the respect and love we have for each other, and we are working through the lingering effects of abuse we have experienced in our past. There is a light at the end of the abuse tunnel, but as most things worth pursuing, it takes time and reflection. Be patient, be kind.
I’m still not okay. It’s changed my life in so many ways, but it has made me so grateful for what I have now.
Leaving was hard. I didn’t know if I could leave, for my safety as well as being believed when my friends asked the inevitable “why?”… especially as not many of them had met him because of all the reasons that didn’t exist (seriously I am so lucky to have a great set of friends who stuck by me in silence… not all, but those who stayed I am indebted to for life).
The moment I decided to leave, or rather the moment I had the courage to leave, was a random Thursday after work. I caught the bus (the number 17) and it just clicked, I was terrified of going home but I hadn’t realised it before. So rather than catch my usual train, back to *our* house (that I paid all the rent for) I called my dad - who drove 2 hours to come and pick me up. My dad is not an emotional man at all… but he cried as he hugged me. Then we went and got McDonald’s whilst we worked out what to do next as I still needed to be in the office on Friday.
Without knowing it, my dad had told my boss and when I went into the office on Friday she gave me £80 for a Travelodge which gave me the weekend to figure things out properly. She told me to pay it forward, and I have since - I gave £80 to another young person I know who was in similar circumstances… anyway.
I really want to acknowledge how lucky I know I am. I had a great boss, great family and great friends all of whom have saved my life.
I had tried, on multiple occasions when in the relationship to end the relationship another way (if you know what I mean) - I don’t want to go too much into specific events but it all culminated in feelings of being trapped within my self, not realising I felt trapped because of him.
Our relationship was great at the start, and I took his controlling behaviour as flattery, I thought it meant he really liked me and wanted to make sure others he cared about also liked me, and so that I also wouldn’t leave him.
It started with “what are you wearing”… “why do you talk like that”…”you’re such a negative person no wonder your friends never want to see you” - it was all him, always, always belittling me. Making me paranoid… I got to a point where I thought I had murdered someone and everyone else knew but me (this makes no sense, but that level of anxiety and paranoia followed me everywhere).
I didn’t realise I was raped by him. And when I moved away from it all, I went to the drs for something else… I have never felt more validated than when the doctor asked if I was okay… I said I wasn’t and he just listened to me. He told me I was assaulted and it wasn’t normal for that to happen in relationships
And that is really something I still struggle with getting my head around.
But now, I am in a loving relationship, hoping to be engaged soon. With the most loving and amazing man who is so understanding and patient even now- 15years later.
20 years together, it got worse after moving in but I was so stuck in past trauma, it’s only been recently I realised he was toxic. I had dreams, he had dreams and mine always took a backseat.
I am an intelligent woman. I have a professional qualification I worked hard for. Going to woman’s aid was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I knew stuff wasn’t right in my relationship.
Financial abuse was the worst thing, no matter how hard I worked, earning more and raised up the ranks at work, he always wanted more and spent everything I’d worked hard to earn.
It was at the sacrifice of my mental health. Marriage and two kids later, I attempted suicide a few years ago. That was actually a big turning point. I began with small steps doing things for me but when I left him it was the biggest weight off my shoulders. I have my own dreams to chase and I knew I never could with him spending every penny on pointless things.
I was making excuses for his rude behaviour to people, knowing if someone was saying that to me I’d be asking if they were ok and needed help.
Me and my children are soo much better off without the constant worry of walking on eggshells. What’s the next silly drama? Whats his next big ticket purchase we need to stretch to?
I earn enough on my own that should never have been an issue but I wasn’t allowed to say no, made to feel not good enough for everything that was wrong or unattainable in his mind.
I’m great now, my money is mine. I can spend it how I like and will have amazing memories with it, as it always should have been. I’m my own person with my own goals to be achieving.
Just leaving and getting peace of mind I can do my own thing was so freeing. Confidence is oozing out of me and I feel soo much better as just me, as scary a prospect as that might be. I am on my own now but that’s ok.
Not everyone can just leave but I promise it will be the best thing you have ever done and, in a while, you’ll see it was worth every tear, every bad day and losing things you thought you had set out for the future.
My future isn’t set and neither is yours xx
I was in an abusive relationship with my daughter's father for a year. Prior to meeting him, I had been in a 9 year relationship and then single for around 8 months. Initially, he was the sweetest guy, saying all the right things, promising the world and showering me with affection, attention and sometimes gifts. It was love bombing to its dictionary definition, but having come out of a long term and somewhat loveless relationship, I was swept up in the man who was saying and doing all the things my previous partner had stopped doing years beforehand.
I fell pregnant, unplanned, around 2 months in, in the space of 3 months we had officially moved in together. I'd dropped out of uni and gone back to a previous job part time. We had sorted better family cars and he had begun applying for more stable employed work (having previously been self-employed).
Then slowly things began to fall apart day by day. Comments about how I was dressing, questions about what I was doing at work, remarks about my male boss, if I didn't reply to a message within minutes, I'd get questioned or the silent treatment. He was offered a job, took the job, then never turned up on his first day... this was the first of several "New jobs" that never materialised.
I was isolated from family and friends, living within 10 minutes of all of his family and his mother actually moving in with us. The drinking began to increase, from 1 beer in the evening to 3, 4, 5 or more and soon it was a case of 20 between lunch and dinner. He would go MIA for hours on end, at one point leaving me locked outside of our house I'm below 5° temperatures at 17 weeks pregnant for 5 hours. Fortunately I could sit in my car. I called the police, filed a missing person's report and had an emergency locksmith on the way to break the door to our new home in... for him to roll up drunk at half 11 with no apology or explanation... the next morning I was lambasted with how it was all my fault and hours later the love bombing took hold again with endless displays of physical affection to win me over
The cycle continued, he would behave erratically or just outrightly irresponsibly and after a row he would try and woo me to gain my favour again. Until my daughter had been born and as the behaviours and drinking worsened, the wooing and affection turned to demands and eventually just taking from me what he wanted regardless of my protest. I suffered PTSD and post natal depression after a traumatic pregnancy and birth which he used to brow beat me into believing i wasnt capable of looking after her alone whilst simultaneously refusing to help me. The straw that broke me was when he cornered me in our kitchen and tried to drag our baby girl from my arms when she was weeks old. No amount of coercion, affection or otherwise could repair the fear I felt and the disgust I now held.
But he tried, promising me that our upcoming anniversary would be the proposal of my dreams. After I left with my baby girl, he spent a few months trying to persuade me to come back, on one occasion I agreed to take her to his house to see him as he had promised he was no longer drinking and he once again tried to sway me by touching me up and trying to persuade me that physical intimacy would make it all better
I just felt sick... sick of him and sick that I had fallen for it so many times before. We've had no contact for nearly a year now and I'm happily parenting my daughter without his influence but it haunts me everyday and I struggle to trust not only others, but my own judgement.
My self confidence was shattered and it has taken a long time to rebuild but I'm determined for my daughter. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here.
You often don't realise that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship till you are out of it. When I was in my 2nd year of uni my then long distance fiancé would often tell me what I should be wearing, in order to dress modestly and would call and check that I wasn't out too late, obviously for my safety 🙄he didnt like the people i hung around with which caused me to isolate. There were many red flags but I was so naive and really wanted to be married. It wasn't until he broke up with me, through text I may add, that I realised it wasn't a healthy relationship. After the relationship ended I was in a dark place and entered my 3rd year of uni alone. I partied a lot and made some risky choices. However a good friend helped me get back on track and after graduating I began to start to learn to be myself again without anyone telling me what I should be doing. Then I moved to Spain and let myself make friends and socialise and since then I have been learning to push myself to reconnect with people, it's partly why I'm doing Galaxy.
One of the things that broke my self esteem was when he told me that "he had never really loved me he just felt sorry for me." Even now I find it hard to trust that I am loved and my current boyfriend has to reassure me a lot but I am getting there and one day I will believe that I am enough ♥️
I don't know if this counts or is relevant for your campaign because we weren't explicitly romantically involved but the type of manipulation this guy used on me was insidious.
We were friends. I thought we were really good friends. We had an evening class together a few times a week and he started driving me home and he'd stop in scenic places and we'd just talk. He'd open up, tell me things about his past that were so terrible, how he'd been abused and hurt, he told me he'd never been able to talk about these things with anyone before. He'd cry and thank me for being there for him. He'd hug me and then he'd get more and more handsy. He escalated over the course of a few months. I tried to gently place my boundaries because I wasn't interested in anything at the time. The first time he tried to kiss me I finally got angry at him, but he somehow managed to turn it around. He'd been telling me about his past abuse just before so when I got angry he acted all triggered and self hating and somehow I found myself apologising to him. This kept happening and in the end he'd managed to convince me that I was a bad person for making him relive his trauma by getting upset at him. He wore me down to the point that I was afraid to stop him when he r***d me. I had a full freeze response and I went into denial that it happened. We had a lot of mutual friends so while I tried to avoid him I pretended nothing had happened around others. I even convinced myself that it was my fault for sending mixed signals because I was being a kind friend that didn't want to be romantic. That was until another girl told me her story and it was identical to mine. He'd done the exact same thing to her. That was the moment I realized that it had all been calculated.
It took me years to forgive myself and to stop blaming myself but I'm still afraid of him. I've had a panic attack because I thought I saw him. Last I heard he'd become a police officer and now I'm afraid of ever needing to talk to police.
Signs of Emotional Abuse and Coercive Control:
- Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends and family members
- Insulting, belittling, or embarrassing you, especially in front of other people
- Destroying your belongings
- Calling you names or making derogatory remarks
- Making you doubt your own sanity by telling you you’re misremembering things or that you’re being too sensitive or dramatic in response to things they do
- Making threats to harm you or themself
- Controlling aspects of your life such as your finances, how you spend your time, what you access on your phone etc
- Pressuring you to perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with
- Intentionally withholding affection or using silent treatment as a punishment
#1 Share a Selfie
- Snap a photo of yourself holding a note that says “I am enough.”
- Upload the photo to Instagram with the hashtag #justasiamcampaign
- Tag me @its_aimeerebecca so I can send you virtual hugs!
#2 Share Your Experience
If you’ve experienced an emotionally abusive relationship and you’re comfortable sharing your story, I’d love to include you in my upcoming campaign. This is about sharing our experiences so we can all feel a little less alone and it’s a way of spreading awareness so that people who are still in coercive and emotionally abusive relationships can recognise the signs.
I’ll be sharing all the stories on my website (if you’re happy to share your identity, you can but it’s completely optional. Anonymity will be completely respected). Then I’ll be sharing excepts on Instagram and TikTok.
Thank you for sharing ❤️